The essay I made worse
我把这篇作文改坏了
This is not a student's mistake. It is mine, and it changed how I mark. There is a lesson here for teachers and a different one for students, and both matter.
这不是学生的错。是我的错，而它改变了我批改的方式。 这里对老师有一个教训，对学生有另一个 —— 两个都重要。
What I did
Three weeks earlier I marked this student's essay on mental health. They had worked hard on it, and I wanted to show them what the argument could look like — so I wrote them a full corrected version. Every sentence repaired. It was generous, it took me forty minutes, and I was pleased with it.
三周前，我批改了这位学生关于心理健康的作文。他写得很认真，我想让他看到 这个论证可以是什么样子 —— 于是我给他写了一份完整的修改版，每一句都改好了。 这很慷慨，花了我四十分钟，而我当时对它很满意。
Here are three sentences from what I gave back:
以下是我给回去的三句话：
“Mental health has emerged as one of the most pressing challenges facing societies worldwide.”
“This essay will examine the two principal causes of this problem and propose a series of targeted measures that could effectively address each of them.”
“Addressing these causes requires targeted policy intervention on two fronts.”
— my corrected version, three weeks earlier
What came back
The next essay was on a completely different question: fewer and fewer people are cycling nowadays — what are the causes, and what measures can be taken?
下一篇作文的题目完全不同：越来越少人骑自行车 —— 原因是什么？可以采取什么措施？
“Taking bikes becomes unpopular trip way has emerged as one of the most pressing challenges facing societies worldwide, with the pollution of environment and individuals’ healthy problems. This essay will examine the two principal causes of this problem and propose a series of targeted measures that could effectively address each of them.”
“Addressing these causes requires targeted intervention on two fronts. Firstly, government should build special bicycling lines and signals on main road…”
— the student's next essay, on cycling. Highlighting is mine.
The second sentence is word for word. The other two are close enough that there is no question about where they came from.
第二句是一字不差的。另外两句也近到不需要争论它们从哪里来。
Look at the first nine words
“Taking bikes becomes unpopular trip way has emerged as one of the most pressing challenges facing societies worldwide.”
Declining cycling is not one of the most pressing challenges facing societies worldwide. The memorised frame has been forced onto a topic it does not fit, and the seam is visible before the sentence is finished. That mismatch between rehearsed language and the actual question is exactly what examiners are trained to notice.
"骑车的人变少"并不是全球社会最紧迫的挑战之一。背下来的框架被硬套在 一个不合适的题目上，而接缝在句子还没说完时就露出来了。背诵语言与实际题目之间的这种错位， 正是考官受训要识别的东西。
And I caused it
A fully rewritten model is the most convenient thing a student can be given, if what they want is something to memorise. It is fluent, it is teacher-approved, and it removes the need to think. My correction was generous, thorough, and it made the next essay worse.
如果一个学生想要的是可以背的东西，那么一份完整的修改稿就是最方便的礼物。 它流畅、经过老师认可，而且省去了思考。我的批改慷慨、彻底，而它让下一篇作文变得更差。
I had assumed that over-correction made students write more simply — retreating to what they could get right. That is real, and it is the version most teachers know. This is a second mechanism and a worse one: a corrected version becomes the next essay's template.
我原本以为，过度批改会让学生写得更简单 —— 退回到自己有把握的表达。那确实存在，也是多数老师知道的版本。而这是第二种机制，更糟： 一份修改稿会变成下一篇作文的模板。
If you are a teacher
Two named fixes, never a rewrite. Each one names the criterion it belongs to — Task Response, Coherence, Lexical Resource, or Grammatical Range and Accuracy.
The student rewrites one paragraph, in front of you. Not the essay. One paragraph, while the thinking is still warm.
Do not hand back a clean corrected version. Not because it takes too long — because it works, in the wrong direction.
两个点名的修改，绝不重写全文。每一个都点明它属于哪一项评分标准。
让学生当着你的面重写一个段落。不是整篇，是一段，趁思路还热。
不要给出干净的修改稿。不是因为费时间 —— 而是因为它有效，只是方向错了。
If you are a student
You will be handed corrected work. Teachers, tutors, and increasingly software will all give you rewritten sentences. What you do with them decides whether they help you or cap you.
你会拿到被修改过的作业。老师、辅导老师，以及越来越多的软件， 都会给你改写好的句子。你怎么用它们，决定了它们是帮你还是困住你。
The warning, plainly · 说清楚
A corrected sentence is not yours until you can explain why it is better. If you cannot say which criterion it improved and how, you have not learned it. You have only stored it.
Do not carry sentences between essays. The student here was not lazy or dishonest. They were given something good and they used it — which is a reasonable thing to do, and it is exactly what damaged the next essay.
An examiner can see the seam. Rehearsed language forced onto a question it does not fit is one of the clearest signals there is, and it is more visible to a trained reader than to you.
What to do instead. Take the correction, work out why it works, then write a new sentence of your own using the same move on a different topic. That sentence is yours. The original never was.
一个被改好的句子，在你能解释它为什么更好之前， 都不属于你。如果你说不出它改进了哪一项评分标准、怎么改进的，你就没有学会它， 你只是把它存起来了。
不要把句子从一篇作文搬到另一篇。 这位学生并不懒，也不是不诚实。他拿到了好东西就用了 —— 这很合理，而这恰恰毁了下一篇作文。
考官看得见那道接缝。 把背好的语言硬套在不合适的题目上，是最明显的信号之一 —— 受过训练的读者比你自己更容易看出来。
该怎么做。拿到修改后，先弄清楚它为什么有效， 然后换一个题目，用同样的做法写一个属于你自己的新句子。那个句子才是你的。 原来那个从来都不是。
Script used with the student's permission. Anonymised, and all file metadata removed. Their identity is not recoverable from anything published here.
作文经学生许可使用，已匿名，并清除全部文件元数据。 本页发布的任何内容都无法还原其身份。